What my Kidneys taught me about fear

What my Kidneys taught me about fear.

When I was a young teenager I purposefully surrounded myself with really tough people as a way to protect myself from perceived danger (a.k.a the unknown). I knew that

life was unpredictable and change was imminent.

Because I was afraid of change I decided to make sure that the people and events I attended were for the most part predictable. Maybe not healthy but at least I could expect the worse case scenarios and prepare in advance for them.  I learned at a young age that fear and paranoia kept you safe… well, that’s what my mother used to tell me.

After awhile and as I grew older this fear began to leave its imprint in my body. I never felt safe in my life and felt very undeserving for the things I had achieved. I always worked hard and strived to achieve health and balance but my fear always had a way of reminding me that it could take it away at any time.

In Chinese Medicine

what affects the mind affects the body.

The two are inseparable. While I spent a regrettable amount of time when I was young disassociating from my body I have had to make up for in recent years. My body is talking back and I need to listen.

My body just doesn’t recover from my abuses the way it used to. My Kidneys according to Chinese Medicine are associated with the emotion of fear, related to the element of water, govern my bones and teeth, hold my inherited constitution and house my will. They are the roots that keep me anchored, the battery that keeps me charged and the place that houses my will to live my life with purpose.

After years of trying to control the outcome of my life and sweating the small stuff, I realize my Kidneys have been in tightly clenched and ready to fight for too long.  Now they are tired and I can feel their fatigue. My back aches, my knees give out, my libido is MIA and I am tired. It is a slow and long road to recovery but I welcome the journey.

One of my favorite analogies comes from Ted Kaptchuck in ‘The Web That Has No Weaver’. He describes

fear and wisdom as being two sides of the same coin.

The only difference is that fear has no faith in life and wisdom does. This new chapter in my life is to remind myself that I am enough. To practice having more faith and like water to go with the flow. How do you challenge your fears?